Last night I found out the the judge finally signed off on my divorce.
I'm officially an ex-wife. I told a few friends, and invariably they all asked how I was feeling about it. I have mixed feelings, definitely. On the one hand, I feel like a little storm cloud has been hovering over my head since June, as I waited for things to finalize. That feeling of limbo is disorienting and frustrating and sad. You want to call him your ex and your life your ex-life, but it isn't ex yet really. I, at least, felt a little trapped between two worlds. Now I feel like I can finally walk through the door and shut it behind me. I want to celebrate that. Then I want to have a long, hard cry for everything I gave up just to walk through the door. And then I want to go dancing. Because in spite of everything, my life now is so much better.
The timing couldn't be better either. Yesterday, ironically, I started my new position at an insurance company in Albany. As much as I enjoyed what I did and who I did it with at my previous workplace, I couldn't live on my salary and knew I was completely expendable. There wasn't much growth in the position, and it quickly became obvious there was no future there for me long-term. I started looking for something else, and this administrative assistant position came along through a staffing agency I'd been working with. When it goes permanent, the benefits will knock my socks off (being an insurance agency, I will be well taken care of), the salary is significantly better, and I feel like this is a place with some growth opportunities.
So yesterday was a day full of new beginnings, and all of them positive for once.
I'm going to try to remember how to chill and try to detox from the most stressful summer and fall of my life. I'm going to embroider, and watch comedies, and go out with my friends, and laugh, and play with my dog, hang out with Matthew, do fun stuff with the boys, and enjoy the holidays without stressing out. Because I can honestly say that right now, there's nothing in my life to stress about. That feels really good.