It hasn't been the best couple of weeks. I don't do well with change and life upheaval, and after throwing a grenade on my life (cue some dramatic movie music and spectacular cinematography highlighting my slow motion walk away from a blurry inferno in the background), I thought that was the hard part. I was all settled into my apartment, living what I thought was going to be my new life, and then the Fates, who have a truly sick sense of humor by the way, said something to the effect of "Hey, not so fast, Brittany. There's another fireball scene for Act 2."
So I'm in my new apartment, which theoretically was going to be all rainbows and kittens and happiness, and I hate it. I hadn't realized how much I truly adored living in Scotia, with all my friends (and my kids) mere blocks away, and the amazing little community to buoy and support me. I love the new village I've moved to in theory, and yes, I'm only 20 minutes up the road from Scotia, but my heart is breaking for home. I feel like I might as well be on the moon for how cut off I feel from where I want to be.
And to think in the early days of my divorce, I considered moving cross county to start over. Laughable.
Anyway, it's been a rough transition. It's been a couple of weeks of deep (useless) introspection and generally feeling sorry for myself, with lots and lots of tears. And anger. And more tears. And more anger.
I like to think I'm an even-keeled, fairly unemotional person. These intense, wildly swinging emotions freak me out. I have no idea what to do with them, being so unused to feeling much of anything. (We can save that for someday when I can afford a therapist. Moving on...) I could barely stand to be with me lately, and I knew I wasn't fit for human consumption, so I did a google search for ways to get through post-divorce grief. (Strangely enough, there wasn't advice on how to get through post-divorce, post-eviction, post-moving grief...) One of the more interesting pieces of advice I encountered was to write a goodbye letter to your former life, and all the things you will (and won't) miss about it. And then write a hello letter to your new life.
Since I can't seem to write anything anymore without turning it into a blog... without further ado...
Goodbye to my perfect suburban life, the dream house that was so me, the village I loved, and my life of stay-at-home mom ease. Yes I had all the financial security in the world, but it was a lonely life, and frustrating, and unfulfilling too. In that house, I boxed myself up and packed myself away, waiting for some time in the future when my hidden treasures might be appreciated, but that day never came. My hidden treasures are messy and unpredictable and not always pretty or useful. Goodbye to waiting for the day that someone noticed I was away and asked me where I'd been. Goodbye to not being authentically me. Goodbye to letting someone dictate who I could be. Goodbye to sitting down and shutting up and not making a mess. Goodbye to tans and blues and no pictures on the walls and wide open spaces filled with nothing, I like color, and pictures, and chaos. I can be free to express myself now, so goodbye to feeling hemmed in. Goodbye to home improvement and driveways to shovel and the stupid plow in winter. Goodbye to chestnuts falling on my car. Goodbye to corner lot sidewalks and trees that fall down after every major storm. Goodbye to seeing the boys every day. To knowing how their day was every day. To watching them get off the bus. To lazy afternoon snuggles after school. To being intimately involved in every aspect of their life. To being the one who is there with them. Goodbye to their blissful childhood where nothing bad ever happened. To their belief that I could do nothing to hurt them or make them sad. To seeing my pets. That is really the biggest goodbye of all because their is no shared custody of pets. Goodbye to them being mine at all. Goodbye to laughing at their antics, and half day snuggles together while I read fan fiction on my latop. Goodbye to useless days filled with nothing but errands and sadness. Goodbye to thirteen years of marriage. To having someone to rely on. Someone to warm the bed. To tell about my day. To words like forever and always and when we... and why don't we... and we should... and when we're old we'll... Goodbye to seeking a connection that wasn't there. To seeking his approval and never finding it. To the endless loop of criticisms--you're a slob, you're overweight, why didnt yous, you nevers, you alwayses... Goodbye to the pain of being alone together. Of forgetting what happy felt like. Of trying so hard to make something work. Goodbye to imagining what it might be like to just die and for everything to come to an end and not having to live so unhappily ever after.
Hello to my messy new life. Hello to making my own rules and deciding who and what I've got space for. Hello to words like divorce and separation and splitting. Hello to not needing to listen to anyone's crap because I am free to walk away. I walked away from the most important relationship of my life. If I'm not happy, I can and will walk away again. And I will be ok. And ok and ok and ok and ok. No matter how many times I walk away and start over. I'm ok now. I will be ok in the future. Hello to knowing that. Hello to being strong, and independent, and self-reliant. To cranking I Will Survive and Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves and dancing like a fool because I'm alone and I don't care. Hello to knowing I have experienced some shit and if this is the worst thing that ever happens to me, I'm still alive and vibrant and have amazing friends and people who love me. Hello to free time. Hello to making the times I'm with the boys count. To not getting bored with each other. To not taking time together for granted. Hello to new love and the excitement of finding someone new. Hello to growing comfortable with each other and finding a groove together. Hello to having a choice between Is and wes. Hello to my future, whatever it might look like. Hello to possibilities. Hello to a new Brittany. Hello to a new pet (eventually). But not needing a pet for my emotional state because I've got this. Hello to doing what works for me. Or not doing what doesn't work for me. Hello to calling the shots from now on and hello to putting myself and my needs first again. Hello to leases, and freedom, and not being locked into anything. Hello to no driveway or sidewalks to shovel. To not being responsible for repairs. For paying off debt and being an adult and doing what needs to be done and not having it done for me anymore. Hello to knowing what the insurance policies are, and having bills and credit cards in my own name. Hello to using my maiden name again soon. To putting painful memories behind me. To remembering who I was before marriage. To reintroducing myself to that girl and spending time with her. Hello to my hobbies, ones I've discovered and and the ones that will be new, and spending my time doing exactly what I want to be doing. Hello to writing and inspiration and finally finishing my novel. Hello to doing work I enjoy and spending my days getting paid for what I do. Hello to deciding how I spend my money. For being responsible for everything again. For having control again. For having some self respect again. Hello to deciding what my happily ever after is going to look like.