Thursday, November 18, 2010

Confession

I haven't written a blog in three days, but don't think I haven't tried. It's just that every blog I've started turned into a collassol whine fest and I don't much relish the thought of having my grumpiness preserved for posterity on the internet.

But since this dark cloud over my head doesn't seem to be going anywhere, maybe a great big vent is in order.

But please do keep in mind that this is a protein-fueled tantrum, as I am currently carb-deprived, doing the Atkins diet for what must be the gazillionth time in a (futile?) attempt to lose weight (therefore, I'm probably not even in my right mind). Just writing about this never-ending battle of mine is enough to make me violent and hysterical. I have fantasies about lobbing hard bread rolls at naturally skinny people (like my husband, who hasn't gained an ounce since high school)--because I have never, not for so much as a milisecond in my entire life, been classified as skinny. Healthy, yes. But I was cursed with my father's (damned!) big bone structure and propensity toward stockiness (which isn't sexy in the least). And now that I've borne two children (one by c-section that obliterated my abs) and reached my mid-thirties, I look like a flabby, stretched-out, unpleasantly plumper version of just-barely-tolerable-in-the-first-place me. I look in the mirror and want to fling myself on the floor and just wail in dispair. I don't want pictures taken of me. I would rather disappear than be confronted with the fact that I look the way I do. I am crying as I sit here typing this because the holidays are coming and I know if I don't stick to this diet, I'm going to be fat and unhappy forever. And this means no baking cookies, no making gingerbread houses, no hot cocoa, not even so much as a freaking bowl of popcorn. I'm also crying because I am in actual physical pain from going to two weight lifting classes at the gym this week, and from the frustration of knowing that what I want to do doesn't matter anymore, because if I don't do what I have to do, I'm going to end up fat, with the diabetes and heart disease that's so prevalent on every branch of my family tree. And let me just say for the record, I HATE going to the gym. I have never been naturally physically active. Given my druthers, I'd never get off the couch, spending my day writing or sewing or reading or cuddling with the boys. And since my life is full of have-tos these days, not getting to eat what I want, or sit down and veg when I have the chance, royally pisses me off.

So I'm full of internal self-loathing and anger as I try to get into the holiday spirit this year, and obviously, I am feeling neither holly nor jolly. November is a bad month for me in general, because as soon as the weather starts getting truly cold and all the leaves drop off, my zest for life drops with them. I've been trying to get my mind off my diet by throwing myself into holiday shopping, but I can't help but find it irritating beyond belief.  Last weekend I went to the mall to get a down coat and it was total holiday pandimonium. And forced holiday pandamonium, to boot, with a whole mall decked out in holiday decorations and sale signs screaming at me from every corner. I feel enough pressure on me to come up with the perfect holiday gifts in this wretched, wretched recession. And now cynical me sees all the ways retailers are trying to manipulate me into spending money and I get mad all over again. As I said in my last blog, I don't need anything you can buy at the mall, and Christmas isn't supposed to be about scoring the best doorbuster. The whole atmosphere of consumption--literal (all those Christmas treats I can't eat) and figurative (the bombardment of ads and flyers and supposedly-too-good-to-pass-up deals that I can't afford)--has me tied up in a great big unfestive knot.

So if I don't write another blog for awhile, this is why.

5 comments:

  1. hey we all do that, brittany, no worries!

    i totally hate what i look like, esp without clothes with my rugged terrain of a hill of stretchmarks and sags, and i know i'm not huge, but i am huge for me carrying 30 extra on a 5' 2" frame, but i still posted a pic of me today with my stomach way sucked in, because damn, i'll throw myself to the wolves, because i am the worst of the pack.


    take a deep breath...this feeling shall pass, and never compare yourself to your husband's physique, 'cause men's bodies and women's are completely different species of metabolic folly.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think I'm going to stop torturing myself with Atkins. I'm in heavy ketosis and not losing any weight, my stomach hurts constantly, and I'm unfit for human company.

    I guess I need to convert all this fat of mine to muscle and really start training for that 5K I want to run (maybe in the spring).Even if I never lose any of this weight, being more physically active would be a good thing.

    In the meantime, I'm going to go eat some yogurt and granola.

    ReplyDelete
  3. now you're talkin'!

    ReplyDelete
  4. As I sit here reading your blog post, I am stuffing my face with an onion bagel smothered with melted butter. I wanted to spit it all out. You are not alone! I too have had 2 pregnancies (one a c-section) so I feel your pain! I detest exercising - with every little (or rather large) piece of my body...but you are right. Now we HAVE TO do things we never really thought we'd have to do. It sucks.
    On another note, I'm kinda glad someone other than me is complaining on their blog :) seems like that's all I do! Not everyone's life can be perfect, right?
    p.s - send me your email and I'll send you an invite to read mine ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. breathe deeply, my friend. and i'm glad to hear you dropped the atkins diet. i have never thought that was a healthy diet. i've had friends on it who lost weight and then immediately gained back what they lost and more. yes, i know i'm far from fat, simply because i've been blessed with a 5'10" frame and i can stretch it out. but i am 25 pounds heavier now than when i met my husband 18 years ago. we all grow and change. and yep, sometimes that means our physical size. hang in there, girl. i've always believed that everything is fine in moderation and the best way to feel good in your own skin, no matter your size, is to exercise. and that doesn't have to mean going to the gym. i've always hated the gym. walk. i've always been a walker. i don't get to do it nearly as much as i used to but i try to make it out there for a good long walk at least once a week. and that said, i also fully believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with WALKING a 5K. one step at a time.

    ReplyDelete

I love your comments! They make my day.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Widget for Blogs by LinkWithin