Please note-the passive agressive peer pressure can stop. I am not in need of any more messages prodding me to finish my book "so you can read it." I get it. Bits are being gnashed at.
I have been working on my book-in between pumping and feedings. I wish I had more time to sit down and work on it. I've looked into buying or manufacturing a hands free pumping bra, so that all this time spent holding plastic flanges to myself can go toward something more productive... Anyway, I've gotten through a particularily troublesome area and now have only 50 pages of re-write left. It ought to go quickly because the last few chapters aren't in terrible shape.
John has an appointment with the occupational therapist on Monday. That was fast. I didn't expect to be seen for a couple of weeks at least. Even so, I can't say I feel all that optimistic about the outcome. I'm at capacity for what I can deal with right now. I feel like I'm barely staying afloat. As Tom is quick to point out, with two kids under two, we've fully embraced the chaos theory around here. If the therapist suggests intensive mouth exercises or time-consuming work I'll need to do with John, no matter how good my intentions are and how much I want him to be able to nurse, I know right now that I'm not going to have it in me to commit to something like that. In a perfect world, there'd be some sort of device he could practice sucking on that would create the desired effect--but I doubt such a thing exists.
It's really disheartening that I already know that I'm so tapped out I can't provide for my second son what I would easily have been able to accomplish with my first. As a parent to two children, my resources are always stretched. I feel a little like I will never be able to give to John what I was able to give to Sam--my undivided attention, my best efforts... Everything is a little less now, a little more compromised.
But now it seems like it's Sam who is suffering from our lessened attention. Before John was born, Tom and I talked about alternating weekends with the boys so that every other weekend the boys could have guaranteed undivided mommy or daddy attention. John is obviously too little for that to matter much, but Sam needs it desperately. Today I enrolled him in the fall semester at The Little Gym. His parent/child class meets on Saturday mornings at 9:15, so it's the perfect time for Tom or I to take him to class, maybe get breakfast together, or head to a park afterwards. I think he will start really looking forward to it.
And in the meantime, I ordered three parenting books from Amazon in my quest to get a handle on his behavior. I love his independence, his single-minded stubbornness, his sense of discovery... but he is rapidly becoming difficult to control. He has a lot of tantrums now. And is extremely physical--always running, kicking, throwing, jumping, etc. I'm at a loss how to reach him right now. But I don't intend to stay this way for long. Hopefully I'll learn some methods to re-focus all that spirit into something more productive.
Updates about that, too, will follow...